An Open Letter to All the Yuppies Who Aren’t Buying My House in Maryland
Can “Cram It, Yuppies” be the new show on HGTV? Much as I enjoy “House Hunters,” if one more idiot announces that they “need” new appliances (because if it’s not stainless steel, it doesn’t actually function) or slaps their hand on a countertop larger than the one in my kitchen and says scornfully, “There is literally no counter space here” (hey dude: read definition of “literal”), I will cry. You should pitch this concept to the network. There must be other people watching who know what that a “house with character” means a cute 1930s house in Maryland, not a McMansion with crown molding and a double vanity.Dear Yuppies,
First of all, I assume you can read. You are yuppies after all. Why not use this skill to actually read the short description they give you of the house before going to look at it? If you did this, you would find that the house does not have a basement, nor does it have a garage, nor is the house some sort of “open-plan” yuppie nightmare. It has rooms. Small 1930s rooms. I’m sorry. I did not build the house. I cannot control the room sizes. That’s just how they are. But, I am not hiding this information from you, yuppies. In fact, I believe the exact dementions of the room are mentioned. Measure your NordicTrak. Measure your Bugaboo and all the other crap you bought at Pottery Barn for Kids for Chloe or Aiden. This shit may not fit into the rooms. And, sorry to say, there is no basement to store the overflow from your conspicuous consumption. There is, however, much storeage space upstairs. Storeage space that does not flood. But, admittedly, you can’t re-do this storeage space into a multi-media playroom for Aiden and Chloe.
Second of all, the house is in extremely good condition. It is solid, it is freshly painted, it has brand new windows and a perfect roof. Perhaps you find the kitchen too small to display your Le Crueset and Fiesta Ware that you never cook with. Perhaps you think to “even live there” you would need to knock down the kitchen walls and build an extension on the house. That, yuppies, does not mean the house “needs work.” What it means is that the small kitchen, disclosed to you in your information (again, read that information) is not what you are looking for and you knew that before you even entered the house. You are looking for a house in Virginia. You are looking for new construction. You are looking for a townhouse. You are looking for a home with no character whatsoever. You do not deserve to live in a historic home. (Yes, readers from cities that were not invented by the U.S. Government, homes built in the 1930s are considered quite old in the DC area).
Look, yuppies, you and I differ on our lifestyle choice. My house will never satisfy you and you could tell that if you just read the description. Why go look at it? Why waste your time and mine? Why fill out a comment form telling me all your insipid complaints, complaints I can clearly do nothing about?
Cram it, yuppies. Cram it with walnuts.
Sarah
